“Mental compatibility is as important as physical compatibility.”

Marriages in India are not only between two individuals, but involves two families. It is very important that the two people entering into holy matrimony be compatible on as many counts as possible (it is never a perfect situation) but should also learn to be a part of the larger family. Marriage to me is a give and take relationship and denotes caring, sharing and understanding. More than love, understanding, caring, sharing etc., what keeps a marriage going is mutual respect. Before thinking what we want from marriage, we should have a clear picture on ‘what we can give’ in a relationship. The returns will be according to the input.

I was brought up in a simple, middle-class family where my parents loved each other unconditionally and gave us a legacy of love and understanding. We had the liberty to speak our mind and express our opinion. We would have arguments (minding our Ps and Qs of course!) but were sure to be heard. They were strict but never put too many unnecessary restrictions. They had faith in the values they had imparted to us. We knew where to draw the line and when to cross. They were unlike parents of the 50’s and 60’s. The nicest memories I have are of my childhood. My parents were never an ideal couple but they lived and died in love with each other. I have always loved children and wanted to raise a family like that.

I wanted a spouse who was more educated than my graduate father. Marriage to my ex-husband was a blend of: North and South, Hindu and Christian, Aryan and Dravidian culture, Punjabi and Malayalam, upper middle class and lower middle class, a family where the elders had the last word (right or wrong) and an equal rights family where our woes were at least heard.

I had no problem adjusting in such diverse situations since I was raised in an Air Force family. My parents moved every two to three years and this took us to all parts of India.

I concentrated more on keeping a family, that had drifted apart, together. I thought that would give my husband the warmth, support, love and strength that I wanted him to have. He had spent his formative years in a hostel and needed a family and I thought I was giving him more than just an immediate family. I thought that would make him happy. I did not realize that he was being neglected in some way (my priorities had shifted to gaining the approval of my in-laws, as they were not initially in favour of our marriage.) Not that neglect justifies a husband to drift away.

My trust was betrayed. Whatever the situation may be, I expect a person to be honest. I would have been able to save myself a lot of heartache and time if my ex-husband had been honest enough to accept his change of heart. One can fall out of love but that person should be upfront about it. These things happen but by being dishonest, things do not get better. No thought of our child. No inclination to try and keep the child. All these things pointed to an indifferent person who thought only of himself.

Respect for each other is important and the communication line should always be open, even if it is in disagreement. Love is the initial emotion which brings two people together. You should feel comfortable with each other and should be able to talk to each other on any topic. Mental compatibility is as important as physical compatibility.

Trust is very important but one should not trust blindly. When you love someone you would want to make a few changes on your own to please your spouse, but do not let anyone thrust change upon you and make you reach a state where you cannot recognize or relate to the new person you have become. Keep your identity because that is all you own.

I have no one to blame, but myself, since I never paid heed to anyone. I thought I was old enough to make my own decisions. With my ex-husband I still keep the line of communication open for the sake of Smita, my daughter. He might not have been a good husband but he is trying to be a good father. Why deprive him of that role? I hold no grudges and have learned to move on. Divorce is an ugly word but a harsh reality.

Struggles!!! Plenty… since the time my husband washed his hands of me when I was 37 years old. At that age to start a life on my own was difficult and to add to that I had a five year-old child who had chronic asthma and dermatitis. I relocated to Bangalore with a sick child and no money. Somehow landed a job, which paid Rs.2500, then moved to another job after two years and finally at the age of 40 landed up at Biocon. People asked a lot of questions to which I had few answers. The most difficult part was to make Smita understand. It was worse since she never asked anything but her searching eyes asked a million questions which tore me apart. When she looked at children with their fathers, I saw longing in that gaze. I felt helpless but decided to be all in one for her (father, mother & friend). It was no mean task but we learnt to laugh off our troubles and still we maintain that attitude. As she grew older she learnt to take care of me and give me support and strength. At the age of six my daughter would say, “No crying Mama. I am there for you.” I sometimes wonder if the emphasis on ‘I am there for you’ meant a lot more than what it sounded. I might have lost a husband but God rewarded me with a wonderful child. She is so like and yet unlike a normal teenager. You lose something but God always makes it a point to give you more than a replacement. She was the one who restored my faith in our Lord. My few friends have always been my support. Vimla, my best friend for past 25 years, is all I have wanted in a friend. Every one should have a ‘Vimla’. She has been with me through my joy, pain, struggle, sickness, and confusion. She is the only one who tells me the truth about myself.

I have faced many hardships, some self created, some which came uninvited. I am an optimist and like taking up challenges. You are as good as dead when you give up.

At the age of 40 Biocon believed in my capabilities, encouraged me. I joined the company as the Secretary to the Director (Marketing), moved on to become Dy. Manager (Admin). Now I am in my ninth year and have risen to the post of Executive Secretary to the CMD of Biocon. Biocon has given me the space to dream!

Today I have a home of my own, a car and can afford to send my daughter to one of the best colleges in Bangalore. Life is short so live it fully and fruitfully. I believe in ‘walk tall, walk straight and look the world right in the eye’.

Susan Kumar,
Bangalore