“Love will not sustain marriage; marriage will sustain love.” – Bonhoeffer

At a wedding in July, 2004 the following advice was offered. It is a quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer at his niece’s wedding. Bonhoeffer wrote from a Nazi concentration camp, prior to his hanging in April, 1945. “Love will not sustain marriage; marriage will sustain love.” Not a trendy idea, but one worth pondering.

As I think about it, these parameters come to mind. It is important for spouses to have common preferences and ideals. However, it is also valuable to have personalities that compensate and complement one another. In our case I am weak on organizing and vocal expression, traits where Phyllis is much better.

We, like many people in India live in a ‘joint family’; in our case a family run dairy farm in Western Canada. This has proven to be an enhancement to our marriage as I had and have unselfish in-laws. Bill’s parents were flexible. I learned much from them. They farmed during hard times and did not get away for a holiday for the first 24 years of their marriage. Living in community has meant that we now, Bill and myself, Bill’s brother and his wife, can do more things like having visitors and getting away occasionally, than if we were just ourselves.

Though we are of different temperaments I have realised this to be an advantage as we complement each others strengths and weaknesses. For this to ‘work’ in our marriage or on the farm, having a ‘common’ committment, firstly to God and then to causes larger than ourselves is essential. Concretely this involves, as a couple, our time, talents, such as they are, and treasure. We are committed to helping financially four full-time couples working with Iof C in Canada. One way to help make this possible is that, Bill and myself and our sister-in-law enjoy gardening — we grow our own vegetables and some fruits to freeze or store for the six months of winter in Canada. This saves buying more costly imported ones. An Afghan refugee family who live on a limited income, have a garden on our farm. This is a bonus for us as they bring an Afghan meal for us to enjoy when they come to sow, weed and harvest the produce. We use the farm as a training centre for students locally who need to earn money for higher education. At a Farmers Dialogue in the US some years ago we met a Professor of Animal Science and Nutrition and her husband from Thailand. We then visited Thailand and met some of their students. This resulted in our having two delightful young women taking their degree in agriculture at the University of Chiangmai getting ‘hands on’ experience in another country. As Bill and myself do not have children of our own we are enriched by those who come, be it from abroad or near by. They say it takes a ‘community’ to raise a child—we feel we are part of that ‘community’. Bill has great patience in teaching young people to work hard. They seem to thrive from the discipline and usually enjoy themselves!

Our spiritual nourishment comes from sharing the simple pleasures nature provides; for example, Bill remembers our anniversary each spring by bringing in a lovely bouquet of wild roses. This to me is more satisfying than a costly bouquet of flowers! We make a daily practise of praying together. It provides us an opportunity to be honest and listen to one another– and change can occur; in ourselves and others. I know that Bill has changed over the years; he is much more punctual. Initially in our marriage, being late for events caused stress and friction. Equally, Bill finds I am less ‘controlling’ of him and situations! This, of course, is ongoing, as life is a journey of new discoveries.

We have been enriched by visits abroad to be with other farmers and their families. This provides lasting friendships and we enjoy having some come to visit us too.

Key to our marriage? Communication, commitment and care for others which I would say is as necessary and applicable whether married or single!

Phyllis Bocock,
Canada